# wget -O bible.txt.gz "http://download.o-bible.com:8080/kjv.gz"
# gzip -d bible.txt.gz
# chmod 222 bible.txt
# ls -l bible.txt
--w--w--w- 1 user group 4404443 Jan 01 00:01 bible.txt
# echo "You're doing it wrong."

Yahweh's not getting as many sheep as he used to, or goats for that matter. Bibles are all over the place, but apparently they're read-protected. We need to spice things up to get some supernatural literacy back. Unicorns, satyrs, and dragons just aren't impressive monsters anymore, so how about some superficial rebranding? Yeah that usually works.

Cthulhu Scripture

# chmod 600 bible.txt
# sed -i -e "s/\(\(any\)\|\(other\)\|\(his\)\|\(her\)\|\(their\)\) god/\1 Great Old One/gi" \
-e "s/\bGod\([^se]\)/Cthulhu\1/gi" \
-e "s/\(the Lord\)\|\(Satan\)/Cthulhu/gi" \
-e "s/\(Cthulhu \)*Cthulhu//g" \
-e "s/\(\(the \)\?heavens\?\)\|\(hell\)/R'lyeh/gi" \
-e "s/\bChristian/cultist/gi" \
-e "s/\bMoses/Abdul Alhazred/gi" \
-e "s/\bantichrist/academic/gi" \
-e "s/\b\(Jesus Christ\)\|\(Jesus\)\|\(Christ\)/Obed Marsh/gi" \
-e "s/\bsaviou\?r/endbringer/gi" \
-e "s/\b\(\(man\)\|\(to\) \)sin\b/\1learn/gi" \
-e "s/\bsin through\b/dispell/gi" \
-e "s/\b\(knowledge\)\|\(glory\)\|\(sin\)\b/madness/gi" \
-e "s/\bamen\b/Ia/gi" \
-e "s/\b\(witch\)\|\(wizard\)/scientist/gi" \
-e "s/\b\(an \)\?angel/star-spawn/gi" \
-e "s/\bevil spirit/Abhoth-spawn/gi" \
-e "s/behemoth/Chaugnar Faugn/gi" \
-e "s/leviathan/a Deep One/gi" \
-e "s/\(the \)\?satyrs\?/Shub-Niggurath/gi" \
-e "s/cockatrice/byakhee/gi" \
-e "s/dragon/Mi-go/gi" \
-e "s/\(an \)\?unicorn/\1night-gaunt/gi" bible.txt
# chmod 444 bible.txt
# less bible.txt

# echo "That's better."

Now let's see how it turned out, with a few spot checks...

In the beginning Cthulhu created R'lyeh and the earth.
Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that academic shall come, even now are there many academics; whereby we know that it is the last time.
Thou shalt not suffer a scientist to live.
And blessed be his glorious name for ever: and let the whole earth be filled with his madness; Ia, and Ia.
And Korah gathered all the congregation against them unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and the madness of Cthulhu appeared unto all the congregation.
And Cthulhu spake unto Abdul Alhazred and unto Aaron, saying,
Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment.
Yet if any man suffer as a cultist, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify Cthulhu on this behalf.
For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of Cthulhu: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of Cthulhu?
And the night-gaunts shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.
Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her Great Old One: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
And makest men as the fishes of the sea, as the creeping things, that have no ruler over them?
(This one didn't need any changes)
For in the multitude of dreams and many words there are also divers vanities: but fear thou Cthulhu.

Hmm. Maybe Lovecraft could've saved himself some writing. : P