# wget -O bible.txt.gz "http://download.o-bible.com:8080/kjv.gz"
# gzip -d bible.txt.gz
# chmod 222 bible.txt
# ls -l bible.txt
--w--w--w- 1 user group 4404443 Jan 01 00:01 bible.txt
# echo "You're doing it wrong."
Yahweh's not getting as many sheep as he used to, or goats for that matter. Bibles are all over the place, but apparently they're read-protected. We need to spice things up to get some supernatural literacy back. Unicorns, satyrs, and dragons just aren't impressive monsters anymore, so how about some superficial rebranding? Yeah that usually works.
# chmod 600 bible.txt
# sed -i -e "s/\(\(any\)\|\(other\)\|\(his\)\|\(her\)\|\(their\)\) god/\1 Great Old One/gi" \
-e "s/\(the Lord
-e "s/\(Cthulhu \)*Cthulhu//g" \
-e "s/\(\(the \)\?heaven
-e "s/\b\(Jesus Christ
-e "s/\bsaviou\?r/endbringer/gi" \
-e "s/\b\(\(man\)\|\(to\) \)sin
-e "s/\bsin through\b/dispell/gi" \
-e "s/\b\(an \)\?angel
-e "s/\bevil spirit
/a Deep One
-e "s/\(the \)\?satyr
-e "s/\(an \)\?unicorn
# chmod 444 bible.txt
# less bible.txt
# echo "That's better."
Now let's see how it turned out, with a few spot checks...
- In the beginning Cthulhu created R'lyeh and the earth.
- Little children, it is the last time: and as ye have heard that academic shall come, even now are there many academics; whereby we know that it is the last time.
- Thou shalt not suffer a scientist to live.
- And blessed be his glorious name for ever: and let the whole earth be filled with his madness; Ia, and Ia.
- And Korah gathered all the congregation against them unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation: and the madness of Cthulhu appeared unto all the congregation.
And Cthulhu spake unto Abdul Alhazred and unto Aaron, saying,
Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment.
- Yet if any man suffer as a cultist, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify Cthulhu on this behalf.
For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of Cthulhu: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of Cthulhu?
- And the night-gaunts shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness.
- Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her Great Old One: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
- And makest men as the fishes of the sea, as the creeping things, that have no ruler over them?
(This one didn't need any changes)
- For in the multitude of dreams and many words there are also divers vanities: but fear thou Cthulhu.
Hmm. Maybe Lovecraft could've saved himself some writing. : P