A while back I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and was recounting a bad encounter I had earlier that day. The gist of it was that someone said some hurtful things to me, and it had hit me pretty hard. This wise friend of mine said something that has stuck with me since then. “When someone treats you poorly, it has at least as much to do with them as it does with you.”
The brilliance of that statement didn’t fully sink in that afternoon, as I was still in my own head and being affected by the emotions of the earlier encounter. As time went on, though, the truth of it really shone through. In future bad encounters with people, I found myself thinking more analytically about what part of it was something I had truly done, and what part was that other person taking their own problems out on me. This simple thought process saved me quite a bit of turmoil over the years, and I thought it only fitting that I share it with you.
This advice has also popped up over the years in different forms. One notable example is the circle of concern/circle of influence, as stated in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The idea is explained there as making concentric circles representing what you’re concerned about (bigger, outside circle) and what you have influence over (smaller, inside circle). When your thoughts are in the space between these two (the area you are concerned about but can’t influence) you drive yourself a little bonkers. The trick is to either expand your influence or shrink your concern. You’ll never be able to perfectly line up the circles, as there’s always going to be something you can’t control that bothers you, but the closer you get them, the happier you are. Also notable with this example is that they aren’t always truly concentric circles. We all have influence over more than we recognize, and when our influence pokes outside our concern, that’s when we really become a menace.
So, with this in mind, let’s consider how this all plays out. I’m talking here about nasty encounters, so we’ve got two scenarios. In one, we’re the recipient, and in the other, we’re sending the hostility. In one case someone is mad at you. The first thing you’ve got to do is find out what they’re really upset about. If it’s something that’s within your control, you have to decide whether or not it’s worth changing your behavior to avoid this conflict (hint: it isn’t always, but it’s much better to make that decision rationally). If it’s something that’s outside of your control, then what good will it do to let them get you down about it? It’s usually worth trying to explain to the person what they might be able to do to actually fix the situation, but it’s very rarely worth beating yourself up about it.
The other side is when you’re angry about something. If you find yourself snapping at someone, I know it’s not the easiest thing in the world to try to force yourself to stop and be rational, but I promise it’s something you can learn to do. Take a moment. Figure out what all is really contributing to putting you in this state. Is it your significant other’s fault that you had a bad day at work? Is it that other driver’s fault that you overslept and are running late? Is it the waiter’s fault that you’re not making a good first impression on your blind date? Probably not. Should they have to take the brunt of your anger when they didn’t cause it, and have little influence in fixing it? Nope.
Your assignment this time around is to do your best to keep this in mind all week. Any time conflict arises, or tempers flare, or you notice yourself or someone else getting upset, do everything in your power (jumper cables to the nipples excluded) to figure out the actual causes of that negativity, and determine if it’s something you can control. If the causes are truly outside of your control (be honest here, you’re not helping anyone if you deny responsibility) then just let it go. Life is too short to be worrying about things you can’t affect.
Disclaimer: I’m not a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, or any other person who is recognized by the medical or scientific communities to have enough training to be all that helpful to your psychological state. If you’re really in a bad way and thinking of doing something drastic, you’re probably best off talking to someone who *is* qualified. That said, I’m not charging you anything for this, and I’ve found it to be useful in my life, so use it if you’re so inclined, and ignore it if you’re not, just don’t try to sue me. :-P
For those wondering what I’m talking about with the “assignment” thing, I’ve been posting weekly assignments on twitter and facebook. For the sake of completeness, here are the ones so far (this blog post is week 5′s).
March 14th:
Dear followers: As an exercise in decreasing world-suck, I am going to start giving you weekly homework assignments, posted on Sundays.
This week’s assignment: You must give a genuine smile to one random stranger per day each day this week. No smirks & no fakes. Real smiles.
March 21st:
Week2 Assignment: Each night before you go to bed, write down (for your eyes only) at least one good thing about the day. Big or small.
March 28th:
Week 3 Assignment: You have one week to make seven strangers smile. Doesn’t have to be all at once. How is up to you, but keep it legal.
April 4th:
Week 4: Write down one good thing about each day, along with an analysis of how/why it happened.